The Power of Being Definitive

During this transformative process that I currently find myself in, I have come to realize that changes need to actively be made in my life.  One such change is getting rid of the phase "I will try to...".  This phase does not serve me well.  Whenever I want to do something (read a particularly complicated book, create, etc.) I have always said "I will try to ..." when I wanted to do something.  What I have found is that in saying this I more often that not fail at the task.  I have made it to where if I do not accomplish something then it is alright.  This makes it alright for me not to fully commit myself to the task.  This has led me to start various projects but never finishing them.  I was unknowingly sabotaging myself.

Well no more of that I say.  I am a woman with a purpose.  There are things in my life that I want to change in order to manifest all that is good and true.  It has only been a short while since this realization has struck me.  Since that time I have felt an empowerment that I have never known before.  I have been inspired to create again.  I have written an ode to the Goddess and even created several pieces of artwork.  Let me say that I am by no means an artist. Does my work have imperfections? Yes.  But that is the beauty of it, for it still contains my essence and therefore it is beautiful to me.  No longer will I self-sabotage.  So from this day on "I will do...".

A Time of Transformation

It would appear a new me is emerging and I love it. I have recently decided to stop hiding who I am.  No longer will I hide my Pagan jewelry.  No longer will I be evasive when someone asks me what my path is.  I am proud of who I am and what I have become (all of me).  Granted I am not going to run down the streets professing my Wiccan faith but nor will I feel this is something that needs to be kept in the dark.

Back when I lived in Brooklyn all my friends and most of my family that I kept in contact with knew my faith and they accepted it, even if they did not understand or like it.  They, my fiance, and our children are the only ones that matter most to me.  If I still have their love then that is all I need.  Over the last couple of months I stopped hiding away my Pagan books around the house for far of my step-son seeing it.  I have no doubt that he would accept my Pagan path but I did not want his mother to find out and perhaps start trouble for my fiance.  I have discussed this with my fiance and he does not care if his son knows.  I still have not out right confirmed my path to him but I think he knows.  He as asked to read one of my books on Wicca and seems to have interest in learning about it (not that he wants to follow it but for knowledge sake).

My daughter, who is 2 years old, is already a little familiar with the Goddess.  She will not be raised in any particular faith, but she will definitely be exposed to Wicca and Christianity.  I also hope to teach her about world religions though my knowledge base of these are not as extensive.

I have fully begun to embrace my path.  I am delving deeper into aspects of my faith that I was previously hesitate too.  I am now taking the time to learn every element of ritual, spellwork, etc.  When I first started on this path I skipped over crucial information (like learning in depth about the Guardians/Quarters/Elementals) as I doubted my ability to grasp them.  With in the last few months I have gone back to basics. I am rereading some of my old books and going through new ones.  This time I am learning about the why of things and the history of Wicca and Paganism (deeper than my prior knowledge).  I am even doing an online 1st degree course, which takes you through the basics of Wicca, ritual design, etc.

Yes change is in the air and a new me is breaking through :)

Somethings Missing

I have been Catholic for just over half my life. I have recently come to realize that residual traces of that former life is still with me today.  No where is this more clear than in my spiritual practice.  Over the years I have gotten to know Isis. I honor her mainly as mother and healer.  But there is a certain distance that I keep between us. 

As a Catholic you are not taught to have a personal and familiar relationship with Deity.  We are to beseech, honor and fear God.  God is impersonal. It is the priest who is basically the voice of God on earth.  It is he who you make your confessions too.  Aside for the occasional call for aid to God and prayers, it is the priest who you seek absolution from in the name of God. 

In the Wiccan faith this is not the case.  Your relationship with Deity is more personal, one on one, loving without fear.  For me I still hold that fear of Deity and I think this does hold me back from giving myself over complete to the God and Goddess. I do honor them, give them offerings and prayers of thanks.  But I feel that something deeper is missing, I just don't know what exactly.

I feel that there is a wall with in me, if I could only find a way to knock it down.  I feel that it is this barrier that is also keeping my intuitive nature at bay.  When I was young I was very intuitive.  I could sense when something bad was going to happen, on occasion I even knew to whom.  I was able to walk into a room and feel the energies in there, usually if there was a great deal of tension, oppression or even a recent fight (this I can still do but not on the dame level as before).  I feel that this block also affects my work with the Tarot.  My readings just do not seem as on point as in the past.

I intend to communicate more with Isis and Ganesh, as they are the forms of the Goddess and God that I connect most with.  I mean beyond daily prayer and devotionals.  I am going to try and mediate on a regular basis.  Hopefully this will deepen my connects to Deity and give me the answers I need.

I Wonder...

Lately there seems to be so contentions, angers, frustrations with in the Pagan community.  Members are either leaving or taking a break from YouTube do to their personal frustration with how they and others are being treated.  They feel either used or that there is a lack of respect.  Even on some Pagan boards some engage in bashing or a general lack of acceptance and respect. 

Personally I think this is a very sad and disheartening trend.  We face ridicule, rejection, hatred, lack of understanding, etc., from some Christians and even non-Christians.  Does this sentiment really need to be perpetuated with in our own Pagan community?  Is this not what caused some of use to leave our previous religions and ultimately lead us to our current paths?

I will not say we should all be swimming in a pool of love, joy, rainbows and butterflies (thought that would be nice) but at the very least let us all respect each other and all living things.  We do not need to agree or see eye to eye (that would make for a boring world) but respect the right for others to think and believe differently. 

I don't know, my heart just feels heavy and sad.  Where will this current path lead.  I just wonder...

Let us be beacons, guides to a better way to coexist.