Yesterday when we went to the bookstore as usual we all went our separate way's. My partner went to the Science Fiction and Fanasy section, his son went roaming and the baby and I ventured to the New Age secton. While exploring some Tarot decks and a few books I had my eye on, my partner's soon came over and was looking as some books. Now he has no idea that I am Wiccan. He is technically Catholic but he is not very informed on his religion as his father is not a religious man nor is he Catholic. He has gone to Church with his grandmother on occasion (his mother's mother) which he does not care for. Over the years it is I who have answered his questions on Catholocism. I try to keep my answers based on fact and not through my opinion on the subject in to it. However, I have made it clear that this is a religion that I do not and could not follow. Now that he is 15years old I personally think he could make an informed decision about what he spiritually believes, however this is not my call as he is not my child though I have been in his life for about 5 years now (living with them for 4).
He began thumbing through books on spirit guides and expressed that he would like a book. To which I told him we will see. He then started to look at some spell books. He asked me "does this stuff really work"? I told him I suppose that depends on what you believe. I did not really want to get too into it because I did not know if this was something my partner wanted me to get into with him. As far as our daughter is concerned we already decided that she will know everything. But I want to respect the relationship of his son and even his son's mother. Therefore I was not going to say too much with out his official OK. His son then told that he friend was interested in spellcraft. I thought this was very interesting because it says a lot for his openmindedness (is that a word lol). His father and I both think he is interested in this girl. When he was out of earshot I did ask his father if it was alright if he had the Spirit Guide book to which he replied, "baby if I do not have a problem with what you believe why should I have a prolem with my son learning about it." I tell you nothing could warm my heart more.
Maybe I will expose his son to a little more, something safe so that his mother does not cause any problems. After all this area is not all that open minded.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Friday, July 22, 2011
How Do You Know You Are An Empath?
All my life I was told that I am overly sensitive and that I cry at a drop of a hat. Or some would tell me that I feel too deeply. I even had a friend of mine tell me that I have an overly developed sense of guilt because I always feel bad for people or I try to live my life by thinking about how my actions will affect others by for I do or say anything.
True I too always thought I was overly emotional. There was a time that I thought I might have been going through a depressions because there were times when I would be alone in my room and all of a sudden I would just burst into tears. I remember even thinking "why am I crying, no one has said or done anything too you", but there I was with a stream running down my face. My appetite changed, I could not sleep, etc., all symptoms of depression. I loved with my mother, grandmother and then later step-father and 2 sisters, for most of my life. There were always an overload of emotions running in that house. The women of the house were very head strong. My stepfather was too, but he was also very verbally and emotionally abusive which did a lot to tear me down and make me doubt everything I did and felt.
As a child I usually knew when my friends and family were sad or angry. There was a very good friend of mine who I would always know when she was pregnant, before she knew. Said to say that she started getting pregnant around the time we were 13 yrs old. I would just look at her and say "your pregnant". Later she would find out she was. This happened on about 3-4 different occasions.
I would always get feelings if something was not right all my life. It could something as simple as me walking down the street and I get a feeling I should not turn a corner. But many times I would not listen to those feelings because I thought it was my imagination. So I would turn that corner....next thing I see something like someone getting mugged or something would happen and I get hurt. I would then look back and say I should not have turned that corner. I never really used to know what my "feelings" would pertain too, whether it was a particular person, place or thing. In high school was the first time I had a "feeling" and knew instantly who it was about. I had this feeling that something was wrong with one of my close friends. This "feeling" even manifested its self physically in me. Every muscle in my body felt tight and my stomach was in knots. Naturally I tried to call her, but got no response. I tried several times through out the day. By this time I was frantic. I did not want to call her mother because what do I say "do you know where your daughter is because I have a bad feeling", she would think I'm crazy, right? Later that evening she called me. First thing I said to her was "what happened?" she replied nothing. But I kept insisting, "no I know something happened, tell me." It was then that she broke down in tears and told me she just got raped by a friend of hers. I tried to help her through it as best I could, especially since she refused to go to the police.
There was several incidents when I was away at college as well. There was one where my friend and I were heading back to my room after class. I opened the door and stepped in and had to immediately had to step back out. I told her I could not go in there that it felt like there had been a fight in here. The air in the room felt so oppressive like it was weighing me down. Again all my muscles felt tight and my stomach was knotted. So we went a few doors down to my friend's room. Later that evening when everyone met in her room we learned that there was in fact a fight in my room not long before I returned from class. My friend who returned from class with me just looked at me look wow your not crazy.
That same friend had a crush on a guy I also had a crush on, but true to form I stepped aside because I did not want it to get in the way of our friendship. Now this too was new for me but every time they had sex I knew it. I felt it inside, like my heart was breaking. Usually the next day I would tell her that she had sex with him. At first she would ask me how did I know, but after a time just accepted it as matter of fact for me. Now let me say that they were not having sex all the time just once in a while. For months they did not even have sex, but I knew instantly they first time they did.
There was also an incident in college, again I was with the same friend, where we just came from a dance practice. Near the end of practice I began to get another of my bad feelings. As we made our way up to my room the feeling got stronger and stronger, yet I did not want to say anything because I thought my friends thought me strange enough. Since my friend wanted to talk to me in private, looking for advice, we talked in the stair well. After a few minutes she stopped and asked if everything is ok. I said yeah. She said you have one of your feelings don't you. When I asked her why she told me because she is getting vibes off me and it made her feel that tension. I was floored, never had this happened before (at least that I am aware of). I was giving off such strong vibrations that someone else could physically feel it. I confided in here that I think something bad was going to happen in our friend's room because it was their at her door that I felt it the most. It turned out the next day anther friend of mine and I had a huge blow up in the room I felt the tension coming from. It was after our argument that I realized that that was what I was being warned about.
Nowadays I do not get these kind of feelings but I still do pick up on strong negative emotions. My partner and his son are not good at handling their emotions and will blow up over the slightest thing at times. When they have their really emotionally brutal (at least for me) arguments I have to leave the house. I get so angry that I go off on them and I know I need distance from the actually house, not just them. So I would go for a walk and cry. Once I am down crying I always feel better, like a burden was lifted. Typically I am a very calm and patient person so it does take a while for me to get to the point where I actually need to physically remove myself. Usually I can just mentally calm myself. Except when I was pregnant with my daughter, then my tolerance went to nil....lol.
Almost 2 years ago my partner's grandmother passed. There had been a lot of strife between his mother and his grandmothers step daughters. Basically the step daughters were trying to stare his family away from this grandmother and grandfather so they could take control, thereby controlling their money and assets. Knowing this and all the negative emotions that would be flying around at the funeral I decided to wear my hematite bracelet. I even cleansed it before our road trip. The next morning was the funeral, which the tension from the 2 sides was thick. By that evening we were back at his parents. He, his mother and I were sitting in the kitchen talking when all of a sudden my hematite bracelet just snapped off. I was sitting still at the time. His mother could not believe it, she was like how did that happen. Now the hematite was not on a metal chain but elastic. Now this bracelet was slightly heavy, but over the course of the day it got heavier and heavier. This is an item I have worn many times before.
One thing that I could never understand is that a perfect stranger can tell me about their life, any problems they me be going through,etc. Friends and family do this all the time. From the time I was 14 yrs old my adult cousins would come to me about their problems and ask my advice. My friends have always done this. In fact when I was in college, this happened so much that I actually used to go into the sub level of the University library to hide and get away. When I moved back at home I actually had to institute what I called a me day, which was on a Sunday. I would not take calls go out or anything, even my family knew that this was my time to relax and just focus on me, whether that meant to read a book or just look at tv. Even when I started working as a temp at current place of employment (I am now full time), the lady in the office with me would talk to me about her life, right down to the fact that she used to be married but her work got in the way. I had only been working there for less than a week.
Funny how I always feel these things when it is negative...as if the negativity amplifies my emotions. Even with my own immediate family, before I moved out here, this was true. They saw me as their personal mediator. They would come to me when they were arguing and could not find a resolution (this is usually with my grandmother and mother). So I would listen to both sides then try to get the one to see where the other was coming from or understand how they felt. But their were times when I would get overwhelmed by their anger at each other that I would snap and just start yelling at the both of them. My grandmother would just look at me and say "hey your the mediator, you can't get angry". Which would piss me off more and I would have to leave. Which by the way seems to be my MO. If something is becoming emotionally hard for me to handle I have to walk a way until I can emotionally regroup and deal with it. Now when it comes to feelings of joy from those around me I dont feel that same overload of emotions.
So am I an empath? I do not know. What does it mean to be an empath? Again I do not know, but I will be learning more about it. Is this another incredibly long post? Yes it is...lol. I am certain they will get shorter as time goes one LOL.
True I too always thought I was overly emotional. There was a time that I thought I might have been going through a depressions because there were times when I would be alone in my room and all of a sudden I would just burst into tears. I remember even thinking "why am I crying, no one has said or done anything too you", but there I was with a stream running down my face. My appetite changed, I could not sleep, etc., all symptoms of depression. I loved with my mother, grandmother and then later step-father and 2 sisters, for most of my life. There were always an overload of emotions running in that house. The women of the house were very head strong. My stepfather was too, but he was also very verbally and emotionally abusive which did a lot to tear me down and make me doubt everything I did and felt.
As a child I usually knew when my friends and family were sad or angry. There was a very good friend of mine who I would always know when she was pregnant, before she knew. Said to say that she started getting pregnant around the time we were 13 yrs old. I would just look at her and say "your pregnant". Later she would find out she was. This happened on about 3-4 different occasions.
I would always get feelings if something was not right all my life. It could something as simple as me walking down the street and I get a feeling I should not turn a corner. But many times I would not listen to those feelings because I thought it was my imagination. So I would turn that corner....next thing I see something like someone getting mugged or something would happen and I get hurt. I would then look back and say I should not have turned that corner. I never really used to know what my "feelings" would pertain too, whether it was a particular person, place or thing. In high school was the first time I had a "feeling" and knew instantly who it was about. I had this feeling that something was wrong with one of my close friends. This "feeling" even manifested its self physically in me. Every muscle in my body felt tight and my stomach was in knots. Naturally I tried to call her, but got no response. I tried several times through out the day. By this time I was frantic. I did not want to call her mother because what do I say "do you know where your daughter is because I have a bad feeling", she would think I'm crazy, right? Later that evening she called me. First thing I said to her was "what happened?" she replied nothing. But I kept insisting, "no I know something happened, tell me." It was then that she broke down in tears and told me she just got raped by a friend of hers. I tried to help her through it as best I could, especially since she refused to go to the police.
There was several incidents when I was away at college as well. There was one where my friend and I were heading back to my room after class. I opened the door and stepped in and had to immediately had to step back out. I told her I could not go in there that it felt like there had been a fight in here. The air in the room felt so oppressive like it was weighing me down. Again all my muscles felt tight and my stomach was knotted. So we went a few doors down to my friend's room. Later that evening when everyone met in her room we learned that there was in fact a fight in my room not long before I returned from class. My friend who returned from class with me just looked at me look wow your not crazy.
That same friend had a crush on a guy I also had a crush on, but true to form I stepped aside because I did not want it to get in the way of our friendship. Now this too was new for me but every time they had sex I knew it. I felt it inside, like my heart was breaking. Usually the next day I would tell her that she had sex with him. At first she would ask me how did I know, but after a time just accepted it as matter of fact for me. Now let me say that they were not having sex all the time just once in a while. For months they did not even have sex, but I knew instantly they first time they did.
There was also an incident in college, again I was with the same friend, where we just came from a dance practice. Near the end of practice I began to get another of my bad feelings. As we made our way up to my room the feeling got stronger and stronger, yet I did not want to say anything because I thought my friends thought me strange enough. Since my friend wanted to talk to me in private, looking for advice, we talked in the stair well. After a few minutes she stopped and asked if everything is ok. I said yeah. She said you have one of your feelings don't you. When I asked her why she told me because she is getting vibes off me and it made her feel that tension. I was floored, never had this happened before (at least that I am aware of). I was giving off such strong vibrations that someone else could physically feel it. I confided in here that I think something bad was going to happen in our friend's room because it was their at her door that I felt it the most. It turned out the next day anther friend of mine and I had a huge blow up in the room I felt the tension coming from. It was after our argument that I realized that that was what I was being warned about.
Nowadays I do not get these kind of feelings but I still do pick up on strong negative emotions. My partner and his son are not good at handling their emotions and will blow up over the slightest thing at times. When they have their really emotionally brutal (at least for me) arguments I have to leave the house. I get so angry that I go off on them and I know I need distance from the actually house, not just them. So I would go for a walk and cry. Once I am down crying I always feel better, like a burden was lifted. Typically I am a very calm and patient person so it does take a while for me to get to the point where I actually need to physically remove myself. Usually I can just mentally calm myself. Except when I was pregnant with my daughter, then my tolerance went to nil....lol.
Almost 2 years ago my partner's grandmother passed. There had been a lot of strife between his mother and his grandmothers step daughters. Basically the step daughters were trying to stare his family away from this grandmother and grandfather so they could take control, thereby controlling their money and assets. Knowing this and all the negative emotions that would be flying around at the funeral I decided to wear my hematite bracelet. I even cleansed it before our road trip. The next morning was the funeral, which the tension from the 2 sides was thick. By that evening we were back at his parents. He, his mother and I were sitting in the kitchen talking when all of a sudden my hematite bracelet just snapped off. I was sitting still at the time. His mother could not believe it, she was like how did that happen. Now the hematite was not on a metal chain but elastic. Now this bracelet was slightly heavy, but over the course of the day it got heavier and heavier. This is an item I have worn many times before.
One thing that I could never understand is that a perfect stranger can tell me about their life, any problems they me be going through,etc. Friends and family do this all the time. From the time I was 14 yrs old my adult cousins would come to me about their problems and ask my advice. My friends have always done this. In fact when I was in college, this happened so much that I actually used to go into the sub level of the University library to hide and get away. When I moved back at home I actually had to institute what I called a me day, which was on a Sunday. I would not take calls go out or anything, even my family knew that this was my time to relax and just focus on me, whether that meant to read a book or just look at tv. Even when I started working as a temp at current place of employment (I am now full time), the lady in the office with me would talk to me about her life, right down to the fact that she used to be married but her work got in the way. I had only been working there for less than a week.
Funny how I always feel these things when it is negative...as if the negativity amplifies my emotions. Even with my own immediate family, before I moved out here, this was true. They saw me as their personal mediator. They would come to me when they were arguing and could not find a resolution (this is usually with my grandmother and mother). So I would listen to both sides then try to get the one to see where the other was coming from or understand how they felt. But their were times when I would get overwhelmed by their anger at each other that I would snap and just start yelling at the both of them. My grandmother would just look at me and say "hey your the mediator, you can't get angry". Which would piss me off more and I would have to leave. Which by the way seems to be my MO. If something is becoming emotionally hard for me to handle I have to walk a way until I can emotionally regroup and deal with it. Now when it comes to feelings of joy from those around me I dont feel that same overload of emotions.
So am I an empath? I do not know. What does it mean to be an empath? Again I do not know, but I will be learning more about it. Is this another incredibly long post? Yes it is...lol. I am certain they will get shorter as time goes one LOL.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
My Spiritual History
I thought I would start things rolling by telling a bit about my spiritual history. I was raid Catholic in a Christian home. I was raised by my mother and grandparents for most of my life. My mom remarried when I was 15 years old, though my step father was in my life and living with us since I was about 8 year old. Although my mother and grandmother are Episcopal I was raised Catholic, in my father's faith. Since they were going to marry in a Catholic Church my mother had to sign a contract stating that any children she has in that marriage will be raised Catholic.
From 1st to 8th grade I went to Catholic school and went to church every Sunday until I was about 15. So deeply ingrained in this faith was I that at around the age of 8 I wanted to be a nun. As I got older I became more and more dissatisfied with my religion. As I came into my own I realized that my fundamental beliefs contradicted with Catholicism. Yet I still remained Catholic. By the time I was 20 I felt a burst of religious fervor. I thought maybe if I were to immerse myself in Catholicism I would be able to find what was missing in my life, or rather fill the gaping hole that I felt deep inside.
Yet I could not rid myself of the fact that there were so many things in that religion that I just could not agree with. So instead I went on a search. I read information upon information about a variety of world religions. But in the end it was Wicca that truly resonated with me. All the answers I was looking for was answered. It held many of the principles that I had already believed in. I read quite a few books, researched online, explored Pagan sites and even took Grove classes at a Pagan store in my area. It turned out that my best friend had also found herself traveling this path the same time I was, we actually decided to attend the Grove classes together. In a little less than I year into my study I did a Self-Dedication and have been on this path for 14 years now.
About a year in was when I decided to come out of the boom closet, as many call it. My step father accepted my choice immediately. My mother did too though I could tell she still held on to some of the misconceptions about Wicca/Paganism/Witchcraft. However, I do not think this came as a total surprise to her. Since I was about 17 my beliefs were always more spiritual in that I believed in a higher power, I believed in fate with intermittent free-will (by this I mean there are fated outcomes but the paths we choose do play a part in if we reach that outcome). Then when I was 19 I brought my first Tarot deck (I know have 3). It was then that my mother explained to me about my father also using Tarot. I did not know this as I had not seen him since I was 5 years old. But he to had a spiritual journey of his own. He was not happy with the Catholic faith and converted to Islam for a time, only to have to leave that faith as well. If he ever found what he sort I do not know but I definitely found mine.
I have not done much ritual work and have not been about to observe the holidays as I wish. I have lived with my partner for 4 years now. Although he is Christian he has been totally accepting and supportive of my faith. So much so he is willing to have a Wiccaning for our daughter and a Handfasting for when he marry. Although for the sake of our families we have decided to have a Wedding Ceremony. But if I am able to find someone to conduct a Handfasting where we live we will do that too. We have also agreed to raise our daughter knowing about Wicca, however her religious path will be her own to choose when she is old enough. In the meantime she will not only be taught about what I believe but about other beliefs so when the time comes she can make an informed decision. While he classifies himself as Christian he does not like organized religion, as he puts it. He said the only reason he sees himself as Christian is because he believes in God and Jesus. However, in my view he does hold to some of the Christian tennets that I can not get behind, like he is opposed to gay marriage. But his is one of the things that we agree to disagree on.
Currently I do not feel at ease practicing in the open as my partner's 15 year old son also lives with us. And while I do not think he will have a problem, his mother may. There has been so many difficulties with his mother (she makes a lot of trouble for my partner any chance she gets) that I do not want to give her yet another tool. So for the time being, even though I know feel I am ready to do ritual work and practice fully I will have to wait a few more years I think.
So that is the story of me. I am a Solitary Eclectic. Many may not see me as such or say that I do not have the right to label myself as such but in my heart that is what I know myself to be. Wow crazy long first post lol.
From 1st to 8th grade I went to Catholic school and went to church every Sunday until I was about 15. So deeply ingrained in this faith was I that at around the age of 8 I wanted to be a nun. As I got older I became more and more dissatisfied with my religion. As I came into my own I realized that my fundamental beliefs contradicted with Catholicism. Yet I still remained Catholic. By the time I was 20 I felt a burst of religious fervor. I thought maybe if I were to immerse myself in Catholicism I would be able to find what was missing in my life, or rather fill the gaping hole that I felt deep inside.
Yet I could not rid myself of the fact that there were so many things in that religion that I just could not agree with. So instead I went on a search. I read information upon information about a variety of world religions. But in the end it was Wicca that truly resonated with me. All the answers I was looking for was answered. It held many of the principles that I had already believed in. I read quite a few books, researched online, explored Pagan sites and even took Grove classes at a Pagan store in my area. It turned out that my best friend had also found herself traveling this path the same time I was, we actually decided to attend the Grove classes together. In a little less than I year into my study I did a Self-Dedication and have been on this path for 14 years now.
About a year in was when I decided to come out of the boom closet, as many call it. My step father accepted my choice immediately. My mother did too though I could tell she still held on to some of the misconceptions about Wicca/Paganism/Witchcraft. However, I do not think this came as a total surprise to her. Since I was about 17 my beliefs were always more spiritual in that I believed in a higher power, I believed in fate with intermittent free-will (by this I mean there are fated outcomes but the paths we choose do play a part in if we reach that outcome). Then when I was 19 I brought my first Tarot deck (I know have 3). It was then that my mother explained to me about my father also using Tarot. I did not know this as I had not seen him since I was 5 years old. But he to had a spiritual journey of his own. He was not happy with the Catholic faith and converted to Islam for a time, only to have to leave that faith as well. If he ever found what he sort I do not know but I definitely found mine.
I have not done much ritual work and have not been about to observe the holidays as I wish. I have lived with my partner for 4 years now. Although he is Christian he has been totally accepting and supportive of my faith. So much so he is willing to have a Wiccaning for our daughter and a Handfasting for when he marry. Although for the sake of our families we have decided to have a Wedding Ceremony. But if I am able to find someone to conduct a Handfasting where we live we will do that too. We have also agreed to raise our daughter knowing about Wicca, however her religious path will be her own to choose when she is old enough. In the meantime she will not only be taught about what I believe but about other beliefs so when the time comes she can make an informed decision. While he classifies himself as Christian he does not like organized religion, as he puts it. He said the only reason he sees himself as Christian is because he believes in God and Jesus. However, in my view he does hold to some of the Christian tennets that I can not get behind, like he is opposed to gay marriage. But his is one of the things that we agree to disagree on.
Currently I do not feel at ease practicing in the open as my partner's 15 year old son also lives with us. And while I do not think he will have a problem, his mother may. There has been so many difficulties with his mother (she makes a lot of trouble for my partner any chance she gets) that I do not want to give her yet another tool. So for the time being, even though I know feel I am ready to do ritual work and practice fully I will have to wait a few more years I think.
So that is the story of me. I am a Solitary Eclectic. Many may not see me as such or say that I do not have the right to label myself as such but in my heart that is what I know myself to be. Wow crazy long first post lol.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)